I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
