Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize