Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
