White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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