do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
