Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
