our cab driver is having phone sex.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
