Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
