im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
