some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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