Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
