my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
