I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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