I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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