she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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