Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize