Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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