She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
