TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
