did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize