I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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