If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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