my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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