I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
