Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
