I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
