im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
too bad you live with your parents still
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
