I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
