Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
