Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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