Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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