I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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