woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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