her vagina looked like bernie madoff
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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