the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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