Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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