why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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