The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize