The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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