god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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