Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
These tits shall not be calmed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
