Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
