So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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