remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
In America we eat man semen.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
