They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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