My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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