my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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