I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
