I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
