his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
