i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize