Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
