sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
