Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
