Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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