The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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