So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
