My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
