My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
