I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize