you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
