Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
