I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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