thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
