The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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