Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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